


Heartbreak, On Shuffle

by yunbins



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Actor Yunhyeong, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Post-Break Up, Producer Hanbin, Regret, Songs that Represents Break Up, story of love, the one that got away
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-10-27 12:01:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17766422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunbins/pseuds/yunbins
Summary: A story that is represented by songs. A story of love and seperation. A story of how Hanbin and Yunhyeong fell apart





	1. Stage 1: Desperate for Answers

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I know it's been a while and I also said that I won't be writing anymore but YUNBIN made me do it. Or maybe I am just a petty shipper, that is still butthurt that Hanbin didn't greet Yunhyeong during his birthday. I do hope you enjoy reading this story.

 

 

_ Tell me baby can’t you see babe, just hold on to me babe _

_ I know it ain’t easy, just hold on to me _

_ Do you hear me? Baby don’t you leave me _

_ I know it ain’t easy but, just hold on to me _

 

**_**_\- Hold On To Me, Kyle Dion_ ** _ **

 

  
  
  


Hanbin has always been strong, he never cries - in front of many people. He is one of those who facades a personality that doesn’t crumble on anything - well, except Yunhyeong. It has been exactly a week since he broke up with Yunhyeong. 

 

Hanbin felt like his world is crumbling apart with tears queuing and the possibility of being an emotional mess. He never showed it, but his insides are fighting with pain.

 

When he ended everything, it felt like nothing. However, what happened after realizing what he did, he fell apart. Yunhyeong was his life, his future, his sunrise - his everything. But in the end, everything else needs to die, just like how the sun sets each day. 

 

Even it pains Hanbin knowing that they will become stranger to each other, but he needs to let go -  to give Yunhyeong the happiness that he deserves, the happiness that he needs, the happiness that is not him.

 

Hanbin just wants to say sorry for saying goodbye, for not giving the love that Yunhyeong very much deserve.

 

Both their careers can be an excuse of not having enough time for each other, but to Hanbin - Yunhyeong never failed to show and shared him his time. It was all on him. It was him that makes their career a big deal of not making time for each other. 

 

He can't even tell Yunhyeong to hold on, he can't even blame the other for falling out of it. He can’t even get mad on others but in himself alone. 

 

The public sees them as the perfect couple - a couple with careers up so high and love so pure. 

 

The public sees Hanbin as the perfect boyfriend, the perfect match to their favorite Yunhyeong. A singer-producer dating a highly paid & blockbuster actor. The world seems so unfair to have to perfect people to fell in love with each other. 

 

Now, the public will know that the perfect couple has decided to part ways and decided to be each other's stranger. 

 

Hanbin is desperate -- desperate for answers on how to make things right. Desperate for assurance that it was love that bound them together all these years. Desperate to hear it from Yunhyeong that he was loved. 

 

Instead of attending a party and a year-end award show, Hanbin opted to ditch all the festivities to just curl in bed in his sweats, because his heart can't handle a view of Yunhyeong that he can't even touch or talked to. 

 

When he gets invited, Yunhyeong gets invited too and that doesn't change this time. A week from a fresh and raw separation, it is easy to say that he is too weak to even face his  _ now _ ex. 

 

And Hanbin is reminded of the words that Yunhyeong said to him,  _ “People change their mind often. I am not sure if yours did but Hanbin-ah, I keep on thinking what I can do for you.” _

 

If Hanbin was given a chance to say the same exact words to Yunhyeong, he would’ve added.  _ “All I can think of is to continue on writing songs for you, I can’t express it through actions but at least my songs reflect what I felt most about you.”  _

  
  


_ In the end I'm gonna be alright _ __   
_ But it might take a hundred sleepless nights _ __   
_ To make the memories of you disappear _ __   
_ But right now I can't see nothing through these tears _ __   
__   
_ Control my thoughts _ __   
_ Convincing myself it's your loss _ __   
_ I really mean it _ _   
_ __ And I'm starting to believe it

 

**_**_-THRU THESE TEARS, LANY_ ** _ **

 

  
  


On its second week, Hanbin is trying to convince himself that letting Yunhyeong go was the best decision that he could do. 

 

Hanbin realizes how an asshole he was to Yunhyeong. His quest to finding the answers of his own heartbreak is finally coming to a conclusion. His sleepless nights and sulking days are all spent on thinking of ways to completely forget about his shared memories with Yunhyeong.

 

All he got are tears, nothing left to but just tears. He is convincing himself that it was Yunhyeong’s loss to let him go, but instead, it gets back to him. Yunhyeong is so much better without him.

 

All those messages that Yunhyeong sent which all he left unanswered. For leaving a hole in Yunhyeong’s heart that he can’t even fill in. For all those tears that Yunhyeong wept for him on late nights when they fight and the nights that his ex-lover stays awake in bed to wait for him with drying tears. Hanbin feels extremely sorry for the times that he made Yunhyeong lonely and for taking all his love for granted. 

 

Not just for Yunhyeong that he feels sorry but to their friends’ words and advice that Yunhyeong ignored, for telling him that it is simple to past this love - Hanbin knows how hard Yunhyeong tried. 

 

Now, Hanbin feels an utterly complete mess for knowing how easily he let his future slipped by him. He understands how entire shit he was for not knowing that he shattered Yunhyeong’s faith in love but still didn’t get tired of him not until someone came in the picture.

 

Hanbin knows that Yunhyeong deserves closure and love that he has been waiting from him. The problem was not Yunhyeong, it was him - it is still him & he feels deeply apologetic for him.

 

In Hanbin’s mind, he still needs to utter the apology that Yunhyeong deserves. Not for himself, or for others but for Yunhyeong alone.

 

Yunhyeong deserves respect because he is worthy of it. Hanbin hopes that his apology mayhaps instills a reminder to Yunhyeong to keep going and to keep believing in love - even if Hanbin’s love failed him. For Yunhyeong to know that he is always loved - by him, their friends, his fans, his family and the whole universe.

 

Hanbin’s apology maybe unspoken at the moment but from the bottom of his heart it screams,  _ I’m sorry, Yunhyeong.  _

 

Hanbin was the one who walked away but it feels like he is equally feeling the pain of being left, but he needs to remind himself that thru his tears he stepped out of Yunhyeong’s life. Physically he did, but his love didn’t. And hope maybe.

 

And here is Hanbin again, reminiscing his memories with Yunhyeong while saying

 

_ I’m sorry. _

  
  


_ You say I'm crazy _

_ 'Cause you don't think I know what you've done _

_ But when you call me baby _

_ I know I'm not the only one _

 

_ You've been so unavailable _

_ Now, sadly, I know why _

_ Your heart is unobtainable _

_ Even though Lord knows you kept mine _

 

**_**_-I’m Not The Only One, Sam Smith_ ** _ **

 

  
  


On its third week, Hanbin thinks he is okay or he tries to be okay. He hasn’t seen his ex-lover since the day that he decided to end their relationship. However, he sees both their faces plastered on every tabloid, magazine, and news online site discussing the reason for their break up. His six almost seven years relationship suddenly became the headline of every gossip on every gathering. Guess, it is the perks of having a famous boyfriend who is loved by everyone.

 

Rumors like third-party have been circulating around. The calls for an exclusive interview never stopped, Hanbin doesn’t want to speak about anything  _ yet _ \- not until he personally gets in touch with Yunhyeong.

 

Sadly, his ex is unavailable for a little talk. Hanbin isn’t surprised, not at all. But he feels sad about it. 

 

And then again, Hanbin is reminded that it was entirely this was entirely his fault - he was the one that walked away. However, it was Yunhyeong who took everything from him.

 

Yunhyeong never failed to be the sunshine that Hanbin needed -  _ and still needs. _ The one who wakes him up every morning and the one who eats breakfast with him. The one who’ll stay late for him just to make sure that there is a warm hug that will welcome him home. No matter how tired Yunhyeong was, he never failed to share his warmth to Hanbin.

 

On gloomy days, it was Yunhyeong that blasts some old 90s songs to cheer him up. On his downtime and when he can’t write anything else, Yunhyeong was there be his leisure - his refuge, his safe haven. 

 

For Hanbin, it is Yunhyeong who introduces him into an alternative universe, the one that makes him feel special. The other person besides his family that lets him know that he is loved and he is appreciated.

 

At times of mess, Yunhyeong was there to clean him up or clean it with him. He never left. For the last seven years, Yunhyeong was there - always an arms length away from Hanbin. The one that Hanbin could reach out the instant that he fell down. 

 

Hanbin is well aware now that he is a piece of baggage that was dragging down Yunhyeong. But instead of being left behind, Yunhyeong chose to carry him around without complains or hesitation. 

  
  
  


_ HANBIN’S PLAYLIST 1 _

 

 

  * __Hold On To Me by Kyle Dion__


  * _Thru These Tears by LANY_


  * _I’m Not the Only One by Sam Smith_



 

 


	2. Stage 2: Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we have Yunhyeong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I know this is a bad time to upload but I just need to share it to everyone.
> 
> There might be typos so I apologize in advance. Did you listen to the playlist?

_And it's killing me, me to say "I'm fine, " "I'm fine"_

_When I really mean, mean to say_

_You're my all and more_

_All I know you taught me, yeah_

_You're my all and more_

_But I need room to breathe, yeah_

_Uh_

 

\- Breathe, Lauv

 

 

In fact, the moment that Hanbin stepped out of the door - Yunhyeong felt free of it. Everything, he felt like he is getting his life back after seven years of being with Hanbin. He was supposed to be saying that he wants a break but apparently, Hanbin felt the same and did the first move. It gave Yunhyeong an easy way out of their relationship. It was a sigh of relief for him.

 

Yunhyeong hasn’t seen Hanbin for almost a month and since the break up he heard nothing from the other, too. Jinhwan has been telling him that he should think about himself, and should instill self-love. Yunhyeong never listened to any of Jinhwan’s words and would just brush it off, saying that Hanbin is just tired and pressured with the deadlines and releases. However, all that Hanbin did was neglect him and would go on a day forgetting that he is in a relationship. Yunhyeong is not complaining but it makes him lonely, it made him sad as well. It made him feel unloved.

 

He couldn't care less - or that’s what he really thinks about. Yunhyeong hates how every little thing that is connected to Hanbin affects him. From the coffee that he sips on mornings until the night cream that he uses before hitting the sack. He fucking hates that everything around him seems to be about Hanbin. A long seven years of being with Hanbin and everything else is about him.

 

Each night when he goes home to now he called his own, which was previously occupied by that one person that he truly loves, he cries. He told himself he doesn’t love Hanbin anymore, that whatever happened was bound to happen. He falls out of it, he was neglected and unloved. Hanbin breaking up with him was the best time that he had. Yunhyeong has been telling himself that he is perfectly fine, and this is nothing that he can’t handle.

 

Yunhyeong keeps on thinking if it was really love that he and Hanbin shared for the past years. It has been on his mind and keeps on reminiscing the past - which eventually hurts him. 

 

Yunhyeong came to the conclusion that sometimes the people that we fell in love with are the reflections of what we lack. And he can’t even disagree on this. For Yunhyeong, Hanbin was everything that he could ask that he was. His talent, his way of thinking, the way he sees things and his confidence, everything that Yunhyeong is lacking. Yunhyeong has always loved the way Hanbin stands up for things that he believes in. For stepping forward on stuff that he passionate about. For thinking on a bigger picture about everything and for being stronger on everything that hits him. 

 

 

_No there's no starting over_

_Without finding closure_

_You'd take them back_

_No hesitation_

_That's when you know you've_

_reached the sixth degree of separation_

 

\- Six Degree of Separation, The Script

 

 

Yunhyeong was already assuming that he will be sitting beside Hanbin in the year-end party and gala but the night ended without any Hanbin in the picture. It made his heart swell a little, and maybe made him long for Hanbin a bit more. He doesn’t say it out loud but Hanbin has become his habit, a habit that he can’t easily get rid of.

 

No matter how many denial Yunhyeong says, deep inside he knows that he is hurting himself by lying of not loving and missing Hanbin. No matter how many times he says he fall out of love, he still keeps on coming back to square one of being tired but still a fool for Hanbin. 

 

A month without a sight of Hanbin is the longest that they have been separated since the day that he said ‘Yes’ to Hanbin. Yunhyeong thinks that he might be just missing Hanbin just like how he long for things that he got so used to. His attachment to Hanbin is probably because of the number of years that they've been each other's half. 

 

In Yunhyeong’s train of thoughts, Hanbin has probably made up his mind long before Yunhyeong drifted away. He was awful and distant that made Yunhyeong question his role in Hanbin’s life. Nights were getting longer as he stays awake to wait -- wait for nothing. In Yunhyeong’s memory of Hanbin, he doesn’t pass the night elsewhere, no matter how late it gets Hanbin will always go home to Yunhyeong. However, the past few months, Yunhyeong wasn’t a home for Hanbin - he couldn’t understand but he still blames his own lacking for it. For Yunhyeong, maybe Hanbin got tired of waiting for him too - his late night schedules might have tired out Hanbin. Maybe after he is at fault. 

 

On it’s second month, Yunhyeong heard nothing. He should be happy that his ex-boyfriend hasn’t been bugging him of getting back together again. But then Yunhyeong was reminded that it was Hanbin who walked away, and the possibility of coming back is close to nothing. 

 

Even on the second month of their break up the crowd is still waiting for both of them to speak up. It is getting worst that both of them aren’t seen much publicly, especially Hanbin who has been missing from the limelight since the news of their break up was announced. Even Hanbin haven't talked about it, guess he didn't really want to deal with anything that involves him, Yunhyeong thought. It gets worse when more people are assuming that there is a third party and someone among the two of them cheated. Yunhyeong wanted to clear things out and say that he fell out of it but it was Hanbin the broke them. However in Yunhyeong's mind, he is not ready and even though everyone knows his relationship with Hanbin, both of them still keep it private. Both of them believe that the less people gets involved with their relationship the better they'll handle anything. 

 

_Maybe this could be different_

_Blame it on our circumstances_

_Blame it on our lack of chances_

_I tried hard to make it seem like_

_I could take you or leave you_

_Stranded in daylight_

_Now I don't believe when you say_

_You and me are fine_

 

\- Maybe It Wasn't Love, Love Yourself

 

Yunhyeong haven't seen Hanbin close to three months now, but Hanbin's present still surround him. He is greatly remembered of the moments that they spent together. Today is Thursday, earlier on their relationship they’ve always done Thursbae, a day where they leave anything not important and just spent the night with each doing nothing but chill, hug and maybe kiss a little more than the usual. On the third year of their relationship, Thursbae weren't their thing anymore since both of them got busy, now that Yunhyeong thinks about it - he might be at fault again because overseas filming usually gets in the way. He would be gone for months to shoot for movies and sometimes dramas too. 

 

Their circumstances were really different unlike on the years that they just started dating. There was happiness, there was love and there was them Hanbin and Yunhyeong. They care for each other more than others could see, they are each others umbrella under the pouring rain, they were one and inseparable but not they are none. It saddens Yunhyeong to know that he let Hanbin feel that he was really out of it, or maybe he does - he is confused. He doesn’t think that it is still love that he feels right now, maybe this is just the familiarity that Hanbin brought to him, the warmth that he missed. Maybe it wasn't really love after all. Yunhyeong bears in mind that he needs to let Hanbin go, just like how Hanbin walked out and let him have his freedom. Yunhyeong reminds himself that he will be okay, he will be fine just like how fine Hanbin is without him. Maybe it is time to forget and be each other's stranger. 

 

 

_YUNHYEONG’S PLAYLIST 1_

  1. _Breathe by Lauv_
  2. _Six Degree of Separation by The Script_
  3. _Maybe It Wasn't Love by Love Yourself_



 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can you say about the story so far? Please leave a word or two, it motivates me to write more. ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. This will be a 7-chaptered story, each story will represent the stages of break up and will have a corresponding list of songs. I will be sharing the whole playlist next chapter. Updates will not be regular, might be a slow update but it will be a whirlwind of angst. This is my warning.


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